Emotional Rollercoaster

I just want to preface this by saying that sometimes when you are called to do something its not always easy. From time to time I will post some of my most intimate thoughts to encourage those of you in various stages of the transition period. I pray you are blessed.

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Written in my journal Feb. 16th, 2008

I think that at this stage in the game I am beginning to feel some birth pains. I started wrestling with the idea of - did I even want to go to TX. When I first realized that I was going I was excited, now it’s like, "what in the world did I get myself into? I only know 2 people and I am going head long into a ministry that I don't even know if I am prepared for." I am already starting to get dates for engagements that need to be considered. The hard part for is that some days (just here lately) I don't want to even be bothered with anyone. Maybe it’s just my nerves. I'm kinda scared about all of this, but I feel like I have to act all tough in order to be the "good Christian" since I did say God told me to do it. I don't know half the time why I am even doing this. Life in KC isn't all that bad. Anyway, if I go I say, "Goodbye" to everything I know to be true. I have to try something new, but that also means I risk everything on a new level. Maybe I made a hasty decision. Maybe it wasn't God at all telling me its time to go. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I should just stop here.

The trouble is that I feel like I am already in too deep; like a mother in her last trimester. You can't abort a baby that is 7 months into this thing without killing yourself. Whether you want this baby or not, you are in way too deep. Even if you are scared, frustrated, etc. you can't say, "Well this pregnancy thing, motherhood thing is too hard. I need to stop now." IT’S TOO LATE!!! It's like I have bee trying to prepare myself, but I keep feeling like this is starting to get really difficult. I am starting to get really tired. I don't like feeling like I don't have enough and I already don't have enough here where I am. So I will leave here & go all the way down there to go through the same thing? Just doesn't seem smart to me.

I wonder how many times Juanita Bynum wanted to quit. I wonder now how many times my own Pastor Father wanted to give in. You can only run on your own zeal for so long before you begin to run out of steam. I don't know...these emotions are new! I thought, "Moving, ah yeah! This is gonna be easy." Here I am wondering now, "I am doing the right thing? Am I walking in the right direction? Did I hear God correctly? Did I contrive this all myself? Am I trying to make this work? Did I just want to move anyway and start over?"

I guess in all truth this move isn't permanent anyway. If I really don't like it I can always come home. Then again back to the 3rd trimester. I can't get all the way there and just give up. Spiritually, I will die if I don't keep going. Why is it, this is so hard?

God, could you please send someone into my life to understand me? Could you please send someone who can see how hard this burden is to bear and will speak into my life strength? Since at this time my own family is unavailable; could you send someone into my life to show me the way? Send someone I can talk to; call on when I have these feelings who will talk to me/ walk me through it. God, I don't know what I should do. Here I am expecting & believing then I start wondering was this the right decision.

God, I have to believe that although this is difficult You are in control. My steps are ordered by You. I have to allow the birth pains to pass. I have to process my emotions along the way. Thank God for journals, myspace blogs, etc where one can spew safely.

Many times there is no "safe place" to share how you really feel about things. I just kinda feel so distracted I have to process all of this properly. The reality is you will start to question if this is the right thing when everything around you seems to be falling apart. Your job...oh Lord, your car breaking down, your money is not even tight its non existent, you have more bills now more than ever and the people in your life seem to be growing farther away from you.
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I just wanted to share this because although God has ministered to me in this arena its still a day to day faith walk. There is no way I can walk this out without Him. If you know me then you know why leaving my family and my comfort is hard but you also know how important it is for me to go anyway. I pray someone knows that you are not alone. You have Him even if you have no one else. God bless you. Let His Word confirm your steps.

Love you,
Erica aka The Heiress