Conflict Resolution God’s Way
People need people. It is a fact that no man lives to himself nor dies to himself. (Romans 14:7) Without a doubt there is a deep longing for us all to belong someplace. We need one another. We were created by God for community. We need one another in our families. We need each other in the Church as a whole. We all need some sort of support. In spite of this fact, we seem to have so much division in the body Of Christ. There are too many instances, where we have unnecessary separations that could have easily been resolved had we just chosen to work out our grievances God’s way. Why is this happening more and more? I’ll give you a few reasons and then a solution.
One of the main concerns that results in conflict not only in our everyday lives, but especially among our church family is pride. Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” (NIV) We can fall prey to holding grudges and ultimately keep ourselves from clearing up otherwise small infractions. It takes humility to be able to apologize if you have wronged someone; even if it is a perceived offense. Paul makes some very valid points to the Philippian church in chapter 2 verses 2 to 4. He pointed out that we needed to be like-minded by having the mind of Christ. We should have love for one another and be in one accord. He mentioned that we needed to be selfless, have good intentions, and be humble while putting others before ourselves. This is a lot for most to swallow. It takes effort to maintain healthy relationships with those around us. Everyone isn’t going to be easy to love or live with.
Another reason, I believe that we wrestle so hard to work out dilemmas amongst ourselves is because the devil would like nothing more for us to be distracted by squabbling. If we are not in harmony with each other we won’t focus on our real enemy, Satan. He even knows that a “house divided against itself will not stand”. (Matthew 12:25b) When we remain separated from one another we allow the enemy to gain a foothold in our midst. So what is the way we handle disputes from a practical stance? I am glad you asked.
Last reason is envy or covetousness. To covet means to want what someone else has. James 4:1-2 asked this very question about why the church was fighting amongst one another. In James it says, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have it because you do not ask God. (NIV) I have told people on more than one occasion that there is room at the table for all of us. We have no reason to want what someone else has. Not to mention you never know what that entails.
Did you know that God has mapped out a way for us to handle conflict, arguments and misunderstandings especially amongst believers? If not then, let’s unpack it. So many of us have chosen not to deal with situations in a mature and respectful way. We have chosen to operate in the way that makes us either comfortable or is most convenient. Our culture teaches us to ignore the problem rather than face it. It teaches us to cancel the person and block them when they wrong us. We don’t even give people the benefit of the doubt, that they may not have meant to hurt us. It could be just a miscommunication. It could be a misunderstanding. More times than not, others aren’t intending to hurt us. Then some people would rather talk about the person to others rather than talk directly to them.
The fact that as the Church we can struggle with how we treat one another. We don’t apply what I call the 3 step method. It is found in Matthew 18:15-17 that reads:
15 “If your brother or sister[b] sins,[c] go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’[d] 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.
Step 1. Go to the person in private. Tell the person that you have an issue with them and that we need to talk it out. I would venture to say, pray before you do this and to use wisdom. I caution you and say DO NOT go to other people talking about the person or matter. I have had to check myself in this area. We all have. At the end of the day, a lot of times the predicament can be dissolved in this step.
Step 2. If they don’t want to talk about it, we take a witness. There will be people who will not be open to a conversation. Sometimes you need a mediator, preferably someone impartial. This will help facilitate a healthy dialogue where both parties may feel like they could be heard. If a person is reasonable this could be exactly what they need to squash indiscretion.
Step 3. Finally, if the person doesn’t want to discuss this topic, we take them before the church or rather some leaders of the church for the sake of accountability. This is a practice not meant to shame anyone, but to find resolution. I would even go as far to say to have a small meeting, not in front of the entire church, but with a group of leaders. This ensures discrepancies can be dealt with and a solution can be reached. Most churches have a board for this very reason. If the person doesn’t want to listen, then you can wash your hands of it. The scripture even says to treat them like a tax collector, who in those days were thieves. The church had no dealings with them.
Now I know someone will ask,” what do I do if the person I feel hurt by was a leader in the church?” Well try the first 2 steps. There will be resistance sometimes if someone thinks that they are without error. This goes back to the pride issue. If they don’t listen then is there someone else who they answer to like a Bishop? If so, then approach the person who holds them accountable and bring them in for resolution. All things considered, this is how it should be done. Obviously, this method only functions best with people who are willing to come to a place of rectification, proper communication and intentionality.
How many relationships in and outside the Church could be saved if we decided to talk to one another first? How many marriages? How many friendships? How many familial relationships? It is the unwillingness to repair things that causes us to stumble. I will admit that there are situations that are harder to press through than others. Every transgression has its own degree of consequence. As long as we live in a fallen world, there will be times that reconciliation will not be possible. Forgiveness, yes, but community or trusted connection - no. If we as the body of Christ cannot learn how to straighten out our problems between each other then we are no different than the secular culture. 1 John 4:20 says it just like this, “Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.” (NIV) This is a total mic drop.
Let’s Pray: Lord, we thank you for showing us in Your Word a Biblical way to correct disagreements specifically between other Believers. God, we ask that you forgive us for the times when we got caught up in ourselves and didn’t even attempt to sort things out. Forgive us for taking our problems to other people versus the one we were offended by. Help us to employ this method in all of our relationships. Heal the brokenness in our relationships that can be fixed quickly. Restore the places that are wounded deeply, as they can still be only stitched up by the Holy Spirit. God our hearts are open to your leading and guiding. We want to live in peace with those around us. We want to live in love. Teach us how. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Sinner’s Prayer: Lord, I confess that I am a sinner. I believe that Jesus is the Son of God. He died on the cross just for me. I also confess with my mouth and believe with my heart that He rose again on the 3rd day, paying my sin debt in full. He is now seated at the right hand of power, interceding for me to the Father. I thank You, Jesus, that as I pray this prayer and believe with my heart that You have saved me. I receive Your love and commit my life to You. You are now the Lord of my life. Thank You for all that You have done and will do for me in the future. In Jesus name, Amen.
Scripture references: Romans 14:7, Proverbs 16:18 (NIV), Philippians 2:2-4, Matthew 12:25b, James 4:1-2 (NIV), Matthew 18:15-17 (NIV), 1 John 4:20 (NIV) - all verses KJV unless otherwise specified.
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