Never Enough

This is part of a journal entry I wrote that I wanted to share. I pray it blesses you as it did me. :) happy

Never Enough

I digress...The revelation I really want to write about is my attitude towards God when it comes to His love being enough. I think in my life I have prided myself on the idea that I was going to be a good, obedient servant of the Lord so that God would love me or at least I could maintain His love for me. The thing is I learned John 3:16 like everyone else, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only be gotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but will have everlasting life." Heck, I know I am saved. That's not the issue. The issue was that I thought that God's love was like man's and that IF I did enough and lived a righteous enough life that the blessings of the Bible would be mine for the taking. If I tithed enough I would prosper in my finances. If I worked really hard at my job and doing it with integrity and honesty then I would receive a justifiable raise and promotion. If I was there enough for my loved ones when they needed me then obviously they be there for me when I needed them. If I worked harder than anyone else in the church I would get promoted, accolades, loved and appreciated. If I saved myself for marriage then I would get the husband and children I always wanted. If I read enough of the Word then I would be able to preach more often and with more authority therefore people would want to hear me speak. I, I, I...me, me, me. In all this though I was dissatisfied because the "if" claused required for me to do something in order for me to get something. The truth is that MANY times no matter how hard I tried things didn't always turn out the way I planned. People would disappoint me. I lost 2 jobs & apartments despite working like a hebrew slave. I've had some rough patches in the last 2 years and I have had friends that weren't there period for me when I needed them most. There have been times where I hadn't read my Bible like I "should" have or even worked in a ministry at all. So as you can see I had become frustrated. I was distressed. Feeling like God couldn't possibly love me like this. I really wasn't doing anything to earn His love as far I was concerned and if I was doing anything it definitely wasn't enough. I haven't reaped this 'harvest" that I was supposed to get a long time ago. I haven't arrived to some super spiritual place where I could live free from cares and worry. As a matter of fact I was more scared, worried, anxious, etc than ever. So now I am asking God what is wrong with this picture? Do you love me? Do you care? If then why is all this happening to me? I love you and I work hard for you. All I could hear God say is that I needed to trust Him. He loves me, but I need to accept His love. He cares for me and is taking care of me, but I have to let go. Trust, accept, let go...lol. That was hardly an option. How could I stand back while God did all the work? Well, ummm Duh! I had a lightbulb go off, that is God's point to me. I work hard but that has absolutely nothing to do with His love. If I died today and didn't complete every single task I thought I needed to, I would still enter into Heaven, receive the rewards promised to me in His Word and God would not reject me.
The truth is that I can never do enough good or be good enough on my own, No matter how "good" I am, God isn't looking for WORK as much as He is WORSHIP. He isn't looking for obligation as much as He is just is looking for love. He wants to give me so much love and I have denied Him that right. He created me to love me. He created me to be in an intimate relationship with Him. That has been almost "heresy" to me, but it is truer than anything else in this world. I just have to stop trying and just be. Whoa...that is an awesome revelation. Thank you Lord, right now for loving me. Thank you Lord that I can accept Your Love for me. Thank you Lord that inspite of the issues I have had Your Love has never changed. Thank You that my praise can be real. Thank You that my Worship is for real. Thank You that, this is good ENOUGH!

11/19/11

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